Who’s the next Pantyhose Goddess?

 

Robin Maryland, president, ActSensuous

     Hollywood has always blessed us with glamorous actresses who set the beauty standards of the day. 

     From the late 1960s to the millennium, nylons were as much a staple in Hollywood as makeup.  So while it wasn’t unusual (until now) to see a TV or movie star wearing nylons on screen, a few actresses actually distinquished themselves as what I am calling Pantyhose Goddesses. 

     Julie Newmar appeared on Broadway in the 1950s, and had many starring roles in television and movies during the 1960s, possibly none more auspicious than her role as Catwoman on the Batman TV series.  

     At 5’11, 135 pounds and with 37-inch legs, it wasn’t hard to notice Newmar, but she was more than just a Hollywood glam-girl.  She did one thing that will link her to pantyhose forever – she designed her own, actually winning a patent for her design in the mid 1970s.  She called the pantyhose “Nudemar” and marketed them during the 70s and 80s.  

Julie Newmar was a true Pantyhose Goddess in her day.

     She said she invented them out of necessity:

     “I have two drawers of pantyhose, but I don’t like what they do for my backside.  

     “It’s a simple improvement.  I just gathered the back seam, but it gives a woman the firm fanny of a 12-year-old.” 

     I like the fact that she had two drawers full of pantyhose.

     In the 1970s, Catherine Bach played the character, Daisy Duke on the Dukes of Hazzard TV series, wearing short, tight cut-off jean shorts, which would become known as “Daisy Dukes.”  

      Apparently, network censors believed that the cut-offs were so short, that the the producers could get them on air only if Bach wore sheer-to-waist pantyhose with them, to ensure that the shorts didn’t reveal more of her than intended.  

     Bach certainly created a pantyhose identity for herself, if not an entire fashion trend.

     But, perhaps, no actress aligned herself with pantyhose more than Joyce DeWitt during the 1970s TV series, Three’s Company.   On its Web site, Central New York Promotions states:

“Being an avid pantyhose wearer, DeWitt is famous for refusing to do any scenes bare-legged. When shooting Three’s Company (1977), she always wore either pantyhose or tights, and refused to work bare-legged. Though this caused conflict between her and the show’s producers, it endeared her to hosiery manufacturers, and she became the spokeswoman for L’eggs pantyhose in the late 70s.”

     That kind of professionalism, commitment to femininity and just plain good taste is very rare today.  I liked Joyce DeWitt’s style back then, but having learned her story, I’m even more impressed with her now.

    I wonder:  What other actresses could or should have become Pantyhose Goddesses back in the day? 

     Again, during the 70s, 80, and 90s, pantyhose were the standard of class, elegance and glamour, so actresses wearing them on screen wasn’t at all unusual.  Still, some stars just stood out from the crowd, and in the process, pantyhose gained cult-level status.

Gorgeous Kim Basinger starred in many movies during the 1990s.

      During the 80s and 90s, I have to say that my favorite stars who could have earned the title of Pantyhose Goddess were Kim Basinger, Michelle Pfeiffer, Linda Fiorentino and Geena Davis. 

     And then, there was Markie Post, Goldie Hawn, Shelly Long and Christina Applegate – all truly lovely and classy pantyhose babes.  Honorable mention could go to Jennifer Tilly, who was almost always seen in pantyhose and looked awesome in them; Fran Drescher, who really did align herself with pantyhose; and one Parker Posey, who actually was known as “Miss Pantyhose.”  This was never more evident than in the role she played as a vampire in the third installment of  Wesley Snipes’ Trinity trilogy.   

     With all due respect to Lady Gaga, today more than ever, we need a Pantyhose Goddess in Hollywood – someone whose beauty, class and grace is so awe-inspiring that, when she permanently aligns herself with the wearing of pantyhose, it would make for an irresistable combination that would once again propel pantyhose to cult-type status.

Sandra Bullock

She always has been so classy, and until I saw The Proposal, I didn’t think I’d ever see her not wearing pantyhose.  She kinda let me down on this one, especially because her role in this movie was a corporate executive.  Even though she is beautiful and classy, I don’t really see Sandra in the Pantyhose Goddess role.  I think deep down, she’s sees herself as kind of a tomboy.  I think she’ll usually choose to wear pantyhose for the proper occasion, but I don’t think it would be for any reason except just good taste.

 

 

 

Nicole Kidman's fabulous legs are always in pantyhose on screen.

Nicole Kidman

 

I don’t know if she’s been around long enough, is sought-after enough or revered enough, but I would love to see Nicole take this title. 

Lately, I never see her on screen not wearing pantyhose, and it would be hard to find someone who looks better in them than her. 

I’ve always liked Nicole, and I think she’s got the class and grace to be the one.

Milla Jovovich

Yep, I said it.  The more I see her, the more I love her.  She is beautiful, but she’s also powerful and edgy.  And she’s here and now. 

I love her in the Resident Evil movies, and I’ve seen her in many public appearances where she always looks classy, always wearing pantyhose.  I think it would be  neat if we thought of Milla as a Pantyhose Goddess.

Catherine Zeta-Jones    

Catherine Zeta-Jones has the beauty and class to be the current Hollywood Pantyhose Goddess.

Of all my choices, she probably is the most realistic.  Catherine always carries herself with class and grace, and I never see her not wearing pantyhose. 

There’s just something very captivating about her. 

She has the beauty and the charisma to be the next Pantyhose Goddess, but also, she’s got the credibility and the relevance that it would take.

Morena Baccarin

That’s right, Anna, the head alien visitor on the TV series, V.   If an evil overgrown lizard who’s out to take over Earth can look that incredible in pantyhose, and she is never not wearing them on the show, she gets my vote for Hollywood Pantyhose Goddess.

Julianna Margulies

She might already have this title, and that would suit me just fine.  As The Good Wife, she always dresses professionally and looks great in pantyhose.  Better still, she appears on the late night talk shows the same way.  It really bothers me when the big stars, even when they wear pantyhose for their roles on screen, think they’re somehow obligated to follow the “trend” and go bare-legged out in public, especially, if it’s a talk show with a younger host who caters to a younger audience.  But that’s not the case with Julianna.  She always dresses beautifully and does the right thing by wearing pantyhose.  Maybe she should be the Hollywood Pantyhose Goddess.  Maybe she already is.

Meredith Vieira

OK, maybe Meredith already is the Hollywood Pantyhose Goddess, too.  Here’s why:  Not only does she always wear pantyhose on screen and in public appearances, she actually has gone on record and said she “likes wearing pantyhose” and admitted that she doesn’t wear anything underneath.   Meredith definitely deserves consideration for Pantyhose Goddess.  The question is: Is she credible and relevant enough today?

Honorable mention

I’ve got to say that I like what I see from Megan Fox, Kate Moss, Jessica Alba and Kate Beckinsale.  And, thankfully, there are many other young actresses out there who seem to understand the allure of pantyhose.  Are they ready to become Hollywood’s next Pantyhose Goddesses?  Perhaps.

     OK, who’d I leave out?  I know you have your favorites, and I’d like to hear who they are and what you have to say about them.

Why the ‘Visitors’ are really here

     Twice before, I’ve written about Anna, the beautiful and charismatic leader of the Visitors from another planet. 

Morena Baccarin as Anna, the boss lady lizard, on ABC's "V" TV series is stunning in pantyhose during each episode.

     She claims the “V”s “Come in peace.  Always.”   Yeah … not sure anyone’s really buying that, Anna.    

     While Anna’s been selling the Visitors’ unselfish desire to share with us lowly humans their vastly superior medical and environmental technology, clearly, there’s something else going on here. 

     Besides, if the Visitors are so nice, why is there so much fighting going on lately between them and the members of the 5th Column, the resistence group? 

     To discern what’s really going on here, it might be helpful to understand the players – who are the good guys and who are the bad guys?    Well, that’s easy – Anna and the “V”s are the bad guys and the members of the 5th Column are the good guys, right?   Wrong! 

     You see, ABC is clever.  They’re making it look like Anna and the “V”s are the bad guys, but trust me, that just isn’t the case.  Anna is awesome!   First of all, any alien with legs like Anna’s could never be the bad guy.  Secondly, she shows up each and every week decked out in another gorgeous dress or designer suit, complete with high heels, and wearing an absolutely delicious-looking pair of sheer pantyhose.  Clearly, she and the Visitors are the good guys here. 

     So, what’s the real reason the Visitors are here?   Simple:  Anna secretly is a good alien, sent here to heal the hurt and damage caused by an earlier visitor who really was an evil alien – one Carrie Bradshaw.    You remember her – that really terrible character who singlehandedly “ran” pantyhose out of Hollywood, and subsequently, the rest of the planet, with that awful TV series of the mid-1990s, Sex and the City.  

     Anyone who’s ever seen Sarah Jessica Parker – an evil alien visitor to Earth in real life – and that stupid TV series of hers, knows who the real bad guys in the “V” show are.

     Let’s review: Carrie/Sarah Jessica Parker = bad, evil, ugly alien; Anna = good, awesome, beautiful alien.

      Yes, I think it’s clear that Anna and the Visitors are here only to save Earth from itself.   She wants to help Earth women recapture their sense of beauty, femininity, class and grace, but to do this, she and her innocent Visitors have to win us over, while battling members of the resistance group who are intent on ruining the planet by encouraging women to wear dresses, suits, even formal gowns, with gorgeous high heels and, gasp, BARE LEGS. 

     I say let Anna and the Visitors take over the world.  I’d follow her anywhere.  We less-than-exotic Earthlings can really learn from the example she’s setting.   We should thank Anna for being the supreme example of what women should be — or at least how we should look. 

     Please do take over the world, Anna, and make us a more beautiful, glamorous people.

When Pantyhose Attack

     Anna is out of this world.  Way outta this world.

Morena Baccarin as Anna in "V"

      Not sure what planet the head alien in ABC’s “V” television series is from, but we have been promised that these visitors come to Earth in peace.  Or is that “in piece,” meaning they’ve come for a piece of us humans?

     These visitors bring with them a seemingly innocent desire to share with us their medical and technological superiority.

  

     But c’mon.  What’s the catch here?  What do they want from us?  After enthusiastically watching the series last season, and then the premiere of the second season at 9 p.m. est on Tuesday, March 30, 2010, I believe I have figured it all out.

  

     I think we can all agree that the “V”s are an obviously advanced civilization.  And Anna, its beautiful, classy and elegant leader, appears to be on a one-alien mission to see that women on all planets in the universe assume such power roles. 

  

     Anna knows that the only way she can accomplish her goal of having women run the world is to first win over all the men on Earth.  To do that, she has to dress for success, so she routinely wears incredibly awesome designer suits, high heels and some delicious-looking sheer pantyhose.  Upon beholding this absolute goddess, all men on Earth instantly pledge total loyalty to Anna. They will kill or die for her.  And rightfully so.  

 

SPOILER ALERT:  Now, with control over all men, Anna turns her attention to training women in the finer art of beauty, grace and glamour, preparing them to fulfill their destiny as rulers of the world.  After all, if the charismatic leader of such vastly superior beings wouldn’t dream of going out in public without wearing pantyhose, how could mere human women? 

 

    Anna definitely has the right idea here, and I for one, salute her most ambitious goal.  Females are more highly evolved creatures and clearly should be running things.   But we’ve got to start looking the part again. 

 

     Thank you, Anna, for being the shining example of what all  women could be.   So ladies, if you’ve always wanted to be an alien – or just look like one - tune in to ABC at 9 p.m. est on Tuesday nights and start supporting the cause. 

 

     Unfortunately, at the end of the show, I read this disclaimer, which I’ve witten word-for-word below.  This is very discouraging to me: 

The characters and events depicted in this motion picture are fictional.  Any similarity to any actual person, living or dead, or to any actual events, firms, and institutions or other entities, is coincidental and unintentional.

 

Darn.  Somewhere, Sarah Jessica Parker must be smiling.